понедељак, 17. децембар 2012.

"My pteronophobia”: A study of reworking and facing one’s own fear







"My pteronophobia”: A study of reworking and facing one’s own fear

Author: Aleksandar Ilić

Submitted in partial fulfilment of the requirement for the degree of MA Choreography


Trinity Laban
September, 2012









Abstract



This document represents a summary of research into a personal fear of feathers and feathered animals: pteronophobia.  It addresses a phobia and seeks to answer the questions relating to the nature of this phobia, which senses are engaged in its propagating, and what is the nature of the tension between the desire to face one’s fear on ones side and the desire to turn away on the other.  The work documents a reworking of Swan Lake Act II by explaining the choice of choreography of movement, timing, sound, light, smells, and modes of audience interaction.  It elaborates on emotions and reflections of the choreographer both during and after the experimentation and the final presentation of the combination of video presentations and live performance.  The document also explains how the sounds were created for the live performance and explains which elements served to depict personally horrifying moments.  It elaborates on a personal perception of what choreography is from the point of view of a classically trained dancer that still performs a classical and neo-classical repertoire at a National Theatre.  Theoretical underpinnings behind a reworking of a well known piece are given as is the rationale behind using the senses “flooding technique” adopted by Abramović.  The flooding technique allows for a detailed reflection of emotions during the performance.  The thesis answers the aforementioned questions and concludes that the nature of this particular phobia is in fact a substitute and surrogate phobia of stage fright.  It demonstrates that one phobia can serve as a personal self-preservation or mental defence mechanism to allow an individual from considering or re-evaluating another more deep seated fear or neurosis that is unfathomable to a professional performer.



Key words: choreography, reworking, phobia, emotions, emotional flooding




Table of Contents






Introduction


What is this document


This thesis represents an accompanying document to the video presentation that has been shown in the summer of 2012.  The title of the dissertation has been born out of three distinct ideas: how can one face and deconstruct ones phobias, can an embodiment of a phobia be used as a vehicle for the deconstruction itself, and is self healing possible by the "flooding method" as demonstrated by Marina Abramović (Richards, 2010).  Thus the title of the dissertation is “My pteronophobia”: A study of reworking and facing one’s own fear.

What is the layout of the document


This introduction of this document contains the aim of my research, it's starting point, lists the questions which have arisen and which the research has aimed to answer, it will explain its theoretical rationale and theoretical underpinning, the research methodology, and its outcomes.  It is suggested that after reading this introduction, the reader then sees the attached DVD, and only then continue reading the main body of the thesis.

The main body of the dissertation outlines the plot of the performance, offers an insight on how it was created, explains the reflections and emotions with respect to its creation and performing, explains the theoretical framework used for analysis, addresses the concerns and issues raised during the creating process of the performance, finally points out to the outcomes, answers questions, and indicated what might be the potential flaws

The conclusion of the dissertation offers a summary of what the author perceives to be the answers of the research questions and points out what might be some avenues of future research.

Aim of the research


The primary aim of this project is to investigate a model (model is called flooding and used by Abramović) of an individual’s confrontation of a deep-seated personal fear or phobia.  The project will explore this possibility by taking a specific personal fear (pteronophobia: a deep seated fear of feathers and/or tickling) which will be reworked though an established and well known classic piece.  The vehicle for the investigation of the phobia will be a reworking of Act II of the Swan Lake.  In my personal view, the Swan in its presence and behaviour is the embodiment of my personal fears, with which as a dancer, I need to interact and struggle both professionally and emotionally on the stage.  Furthermore, Arguably, the Swan Lake is the epitome of all things balletic” and has a “canonical and iconic status and on account of the wealth and complexity of the different reworkings that have been staged” (Midgelow, 2007: 4-5).

In this research, the starting point will be positioning of the individual (myself) and emotional state in a wider context, or in other words how will my emotional state influence my physical capabilities.  This emotional state will be then addressed through a prism of the individual’s immediate environment, or in other words I will address how the audience reacts to this state and their feedback.  This will be followed by a study of the individual’s choice of actions and emotions that follow as a result of the feedback.  The audience will be shown a sequence of actions made which are a result of the narrowing of choices and avenues that the frustrated and terrified person has (or at least perceives to have).

The study of the topic may present a problem after the shift of focus is made from the position of one who experiences the phobia, which is externally induced, into the position of the phobia itself as the Swan in act II of the Swan Lake is originally female.  This might be construed as an investigation into gender and sexual issues and fears and thus present a degree of confusion in the audience.  This represents a challenge as gender issues have been elaborated through this topic in the past (Hunt, 2002 and Midgelow, 2007) and the audience may have preconceptions vis-a-vis the subject.  It should be clear from the beginning that this is not a study of sexuality or gender issues from the outset and thus any outcome which leads in that direction is purely unintentional

Starting point of research


The authors' experiences with choreography have until recently been limited to reconstruction of classical and neo-classical pieces, restaging of classical pieces, and only some limited contemporary movement design, created for large stages and commercial audiences.  I decided to re examine my choreographic practise and delve into a new approach whereby I examine myself as an individual with respect to my vision of choreography as a possible tool for self-analysis and potentially self-healing.

Furthermore, choreography for video recordings is a totally new field which I have discovered during this research period and I felt it needed to be incorporated as both an examination technique and a demonstration of newly acquired competences.

Over the past 12 years and countless performances of the pas-de-trois in act I of Swan Lake, I was forced to be in permanent contact with, and be a part of, the corps du ballet adorned with feathers.  As a part of my job description, I could not and cannot leave the backstage until the ballet is over.  There was no choice but to force myself to be present even though it terrified me. 

Thus, I have often found myself in a position of fear, have drawn parallels, and found myself relating to "how the Swan felt when in fear" of the Prince at the beginning.

Questions that research will aim to answer


This first question which arises from the primary aim of the project is: what is the nature of my phobia?  Followed by: Which senses are engaged in identifying a perceived threat that turns into a phobia? Which senses in particular are "irritated" and cause a phobia and which senses remain unaffected and why?  Is the fear itself of physical nature or psychological nature (since it is reasonable to presume that physical contact with feathers is not really physically painful)?  What is the nature of personal perception of physical pain?

During the process of researching a second set of questions emerged and the author felt that they needed addressing in order to round-off the work: What is the relationship and nature of the tension between the desire to face one’s fear on one side and the desire to turn away on the other?  Are these forces, although apparently conflicting, mutually reinforcing? How does one force prevail?

Theoretical underpinning and rationale behind the research


The theoretical underpinning and explanation for the choice of reworking the set piece, rather than reconstruction is that reconstruction implies a recreation of an existent piece based on partial information and voids which must be filled by a type of extrapolation and jigsaw connecting with pieces missing.  The idea of reconstruction suggests educated guesswork with similar emphasis and ideas projected as in the original piece.  Reworking implies revisiting of existing pieces and giving new meaning with new emphasis that significantly alter the perception of both the artist and audience (Midgelow, 2007).  In this sense, the chosen act II of the Swan Lake which "originally" depicts the first meeting of Prince Siegfried and Princess Odette and her initial fright of the Prince will be reworked by placing me in the role of Odette, which is the embodiment of a feathered animal.  It is precisely the reworking rather than reconstructing that will be a departure from the practises to which I am accustomed to. 

The rationale for placing me within the body, or as an epitome, of feathered creatures has its grounding in the established approach of almost self immersion into deepest fears in previous work of Marina Abramović.  Namely, Abramović suffered from a disorder closely related to haemophilia (hemoravia) during her early childhood which manifested itself in prolonged periods of bleeding in case of cuts, bruises or teeth loss (Richards, 2010).  As a consequence se developed a deep fear of blood and bleeding which she associated with death (Heathfiled, 2004), a condition she tried to examine, and perhaps remedy, by staging a piece, Thomas' Lips (1975) in which she purposefully cut herself in order to bleed and then assess herself in the process of unfreezing her emotions with respect to that phenomenon.  Using a similar analogy, I will attempt to create movement and analyse my behaviour and emotions towards pteronophobia by being the feathered animal itself.

This technique of controlled "flooding" used by Abramović (Sundel and Stone-Sundel, 2004) of senses (touch, smell, taste, sight, sound) with the sources of emotional or physical pain will help in identification and examination of individual senses and perhaps help bring forward an understanding of my personal perception of pain.

Furthermore, the nature of the phobia will be addressed by examining the "time" component.  In her interviews, Abramović stated that to her a painful experience had a more profound effect if it lasted a longer period of time (even if it appeared less offensive or intense to the audience) than if it were more offensive to the eye (cutting oneself across the stomach) and was over within a few minutes (Heathfiled, 2004).  The same parallel can be drawn with my viewing and participation in the corps du ballet over a period of 12 years in comparison to say plucking a feather and throwing it away.

The study of relationship and the nature of the interacting forces of fear and willingness to fight against phobias is theoretically grounded in the Gestalt psychology of sensory perception which stipulates that the sum of individual stimuli (vision, taste, touch, etc) is greater and has a greater psychological effect than each stimulus itself (Carlson and Heath, 2010).  Thus my personal phobia will be studied by seeing the entire phenomenon as a whole rather than applying the atomistic view as defined by Hume (James, 2007).  Answers pertaining to the interaction between forces, their reinforcing, and if one can indeed prevail will be discovered only after the performance itself, and may in the end be only known to me.



Research methodology

Research methodology consists of literature review, video review, studio practice and physical preparations, collaboration with other students and researches, as well as the final self-review.

Literature review:

Was conducted and divided into two distinct categories: (1) literature pertaining to matters of psychology, phobias, perceptions, and emotions that relate to phobias.  This literature review provided a clear ground in the theoretical analysis of what has been seen and experienced. (2) Literature pertaining to past reworkings of classical pieces, their techniques, aims, and effectiveness with respect to the intended idea by the choreographer.  The first category ensured that the experimentation is adequately set-up, that the effects of reflexivity in research were adequately treated and that recorded events were adequately analysed.  Second category formed a body of knowledge which was used to improve the quality, perception, and qualitative appraisal of what is recorded by the camera.

Video review:

This method enabled the author to analyse the way different choreographers have used gestures to delineate secondary and new emphasis on newly experienced emotions that were provoked by "source pieces".  It also served to understand how other choreographers have "built" their movement from emotions and initial impulses offered by the source pieces.

Studio practice and physical preparation:

This served to develop and define movement of the reworked piece and its staging for the audience.  In terms of physical preparation a phase of experimentation was conducted as I felt that I needed to be "flooded" with feathers: and this process was designed.  There were several options of flooding: one can be totally naked (perhaps even totally shaved invoking a "plucked-chicken" effect) and then surrounded by feathers, or totally adorned by feathers in terms of costume, or by feather "showering" in an enclosed space; of which the third was used for the final presentation of the reworked piece.

Current practice:

I have collaborated and experimented with Anton Strilchuk, studying toward his BA degree in Music computing, in terms of music creation, and created sounds for the presented videos.  I have built on this experience and worked on a new music score that was to be used for the reworking and experimentation.

Self review:

At different stages of the research and creation process, recordings will be made of both me and of another person (which will serve as a control sample) who does not have the same issues with feathers.  Separate recordings of events under the same conditions (save the fact that it will be performed by a no phobic person) will be made and compared.  This will provide me with an enhanced perspective of my behaviour during the flooding.

 

Outcomes of research


At the beginning of research, there are two possibilities as outcomes: one, a live performance which there would be a solo act, and other, a video presentation.  In both cases there was to be a solo act.  However, the final outcome was a live performance with four video presentations that were first choreographed into a "pas de quatre", which were then further choreographed into a live performance with five other performers (excluding the interactive audience of approximately eleven).

The reason for this outcome was that the author has, thus far, created live performances and felt that the effect that live viewing of feathers and his interaction with them would have a deeper impact on an audience than a video recording.  On the other hand, prior to this research, author received positive feedback on the only two videos made, and the author has therefore decided to amalgamate the two techniques into one output format.  The decision on the format of the outcome was made after 4-5 weeks of studio practice and physical preparation.

This would be the first piece that was created as a reworking from a classical source piece and thus the first learning outcome was an improved understanding of what reworking is and how it can be done.  Furthermore, this would be the authors' first piece where video choreography was amalgamated with live performance.

Research allowed the author to be more aware of the senses that govern personal behaviour and define a clearer rapport with external sources of input, particularly those that have an emotionally crippling effect.  It has helped the author understand more clearly (by drawing parallels of similar first hand experiences) some of the works and emotional states of Marina Abramović.

The work allowed others to see how the "flooding" technique can be used for research in choreography.



The project

            Outline of the installation


The live performance was a vital component of the output of this research and its outline follows.  Once this section offers a factual account of the performance, which serves to complement the experience for those who have seen the performance and guide through those who will see its recording, more detailed accounts and explanations of reflections and emotions will follow. 

The live performance was shown in the Design studio #4 of the „Cottages“.  The studio consisted of a totally empty room with two windows which were completely shut so that no light penetrated into the room.  The rectangular room was approximately 3 meters in width by 6 metres in length.  The layout of the room was not designed for live performances but could serve as an experimentation room. 

The performance begins as two ushers show the audience into the room.  Their function was more as „hostesses“rather than ushers.  The audience is let into a dark room and they were intentionally emotionless and gave no indications to the audience as they ushered them in.  They were instructed not to have any interaction of a personal or congenial nature with the audience.  Once the exact number of viewers was accounted for (15 including the photographer and technical assistance), one usher entered into the room, checked that the performers were ready and that the four video screens have been properly started, opened the door of the studio from within and allowed the audience to enter without any explicit instructions given to the audience.  They were instructed to dominate the audience with their sheer presence, and the three performers, dressed in black with an exaggerated feminine side dressed in little black dresses, black stockings, and black high heels.  Their hair was arranged in a simple brushed back hair tied back as if in a classical ballet.  It was my intention to create an elegant, yet simple (no makeup) impression.

Once the audience entered, the second remaining usher also entered, creating a line of four performers, standing with the wall of the room at their backs, and closed the door.

Four videos were running and during their presenting only three times, three performers had spoken lines, totalling 12 minutes. 


Figure 1: 4 videos

Each change on one of the screens was a signal for the four live performers to change their positioning.  The positions were classical ballet stage moves: straight line, followed by another straight line, a diagonal, followed by another straight line-up.  The 4 videos, projected pigeons at the beginning, which were followed by the first spoken text relating to fear of feathers (in German), followed by pigeons depicted in various closed in spaces (designed for human habitat rather than birds), followed by a spoken text connecting a fear of feathers and fear of birds (in FrenAleksandru Iliću uručena diploma Magistra koreografije

ch).  The film then transgresses into a documentary filmed while classical ballet dancers are preparing and putting on their makeup before a performance of Swan Lake at a theatre, their warm-up exercises, and their exiting on the stage.  This is followed by their appearance on the stage in Act II of the Swan Lake as the swans enter the stage until the curtain fall of Act II which was show while the last section of spoken text was projected (in English) which spoke of a lack of understanding for someone who has a fear of feathers. 

The videos then return to the same initial showing of pigeons (all four of them) and fade into white (all of the videos were intentionally filmed in black-and-white technique).

Fading into white of the fourth video was a signal for the live performers to shift from their straight line-up (which was opposite of the screens and the audience was between them), to shift towards and sit behind a table (opposite the audience).  Their act of sitting behind the table, which was covered in black cloth, was choreographed so that they appeared not to sit at the table but rather hide beneath it.  There were only two light changes during this period so that the initial light projected at their faces as they stood behind the table was designed to emulate the same line of light that the 4 TV's gave.  Once they hid completely beneath the table, they showed only their hands above the table.  After a while, all 4 performers emerge from beneath the table, with diadems on their heads (as in the traditional part of costumes for swans in Swan Lake), pull the 4 chairs towards the table and sit at the table in a four-person line-up.

Four plates, loaded with chicken were placed on the table by the performers, and after they lowered their hands on the side of their bodies, they begin to devour the food on their plates, only using their mouths (their hands remain on the sides of their bodies). 


Figure 2: Swan cannibalism
After this act, the four of them cross their hands as if they were performing the classical move of the pas-de-quatre of Swan Lake Act II, and freeze in this hand-lock. 
Figure 3: Swan pas de quatre
As this lock is achieved, a blue light shines in an extremely small and confined space next to the table (barely enough for one person to stand vertically in it) within which feathers are agitated.  In this space a male dancer, dressed only in point shoes and a too-too attempts to stand in point shoes and reach a microphone placed at waist height (which was almost impossible as the space was extremely confined), attempted to hum the tune from Act II of Swan Lake (variation of Odette) unsuccessfully.  This was genuinely impossible doe to space constraints and amount of feathers in the air.  Only a loud breathing was heard via the microphone.  The light then dies down completely, which was a signal for the other 4 live performers to line-up standing again in their original positions as when the audience entered.  Once the performers lined up, one performer opened the door, completely emotionlessly, and let the audience out of the room. 


Figure 4: Swans line up as audience leaves

Once the audience left, the door was shut again, signalling the end of the performance.



            Creating an installation and delivering a live performance


At the beginning of this research, it was thought that the best outcome would be a single film, or rather, an installation based on a single video presentation.  This film was intended to be a linear reconstruction of Act II of Swan Lake that was to be inspired by my personal fear of feathers.  The complete choreography from stage was to have been transposed from the dance boards onto the screen.  This act of transposing live movement onto the screens was to have served as a form of self exploration and perhaps self healing.  However, during the actual practice in studios and re-enacting for the actual filming, I felt that there was little progress made towards a better understanding of my fears, their impact on my personality, let alone a deeper understanding of the forces of disgust and attraction that could be studied in a deeper and more meaningful manner.  It turned out to be an act of re-enacting which served little more than the actual act of dancing as a professional dancer at a National theatre, serving the well established repertoire.

This inspired the possibility that a live narration and verbal expression, whether direct or indirect and between the lines, would help accent a secondary plot that would be inspired by my phobias, rather than retelling the well known story. 
Realizing this idea opened a new avenue, which led to experimentation: the result of which was a multitude of speeches recorded (in 6 different languages).  After some consideration, the 6 different speeches and their respective languages were reduced to only three.  It was felt that having all 6 of them would not only be time consuming, but that a reduction would serve to give an “essence of feelings” rather than a watered down version of labouring the obvious, and thus making the potential installation predictable.

At this stage began my real interaction with my personal phobias, as my search for the replacement of these sequences led me to attics, pens, pigeon houses, hen houses, and other places where birds, their carcasses, eggs, feathers, and everything else relating to feathered animals was to be found.  Thus it would be fair to say that the actual process of finding locations and filming them had an almost therapeutic effect in terms of emotional flooding (Carlson and Heath, 2007).

Even though this appeared to have been leading away from the idea of reconstructing Act II of Swan Lake, I have consciously tried to maintain the link.  I wanted not to lose the connecting thread with the original idea of reworking this Act.  I returned the film sequences to the make-up preparations of the ballerinas before the show, showing sequences of dancers preparing.  This would probably serve as a self-defence mechanism, in my desire to cover-up a perceived threat (of feathers) into a normal routine that is both to my mind emotionally acceptable, and instead of images of dead birds serving as food to others of their kind, socially acceptable images of a prima ballerina preparing for her debut.

I filmed two different performances of the Swan Lake, as this would enable me to have more than one angle of the same scene.  This was purely for technical reasons and served no other purpose.  Once I previewed this material, it occurred to me that it would be more productive to have more than one single video, as it was the general practice during the Research and Development Modules.  The idea of a multitude o films was linked with clear symbolism of four swans in Act II, thus resulting in four different (in personalities and appearance) yet complementing videos-personalities-swans-dancers-sub consciousnesses. 

Black and white technique of videos was born out of the idea that a certain need of poeticism was needed for the four videos-personalities-swans-dancers-sub consciousnesses and I did not want colour to burden the images and distract for the essence: feathers.  Sound, save for the monologues, was intentionally absent for my reasons of personal aesthetics.  I felt that at this stage of the research, there was no completion or a sense of closure to this study of phobia.  This was further rectified with a complementing live performance.

Live performance and video installations, or rather their merging, posed a challenge, which resulted in two distinct sequences.  This made the presentation clearer to the viewers and was in line with my personal view that there should be a clear focus of activities whereby the videos should not distract from the live performers and vice versa.

A classical balance between the live performers and videos was thus achieved.
At the final stage of experimentation I decided to participate in the performance and decided to be one of the live performers rather than to film myself.  The original idea was to lie in feathers, which turned out to be both predictable and somewhat anticlimactic.  The second idea was show my fear during the interaction with feathers in some form of a feather shower, but this was thought to be also lacking in meaning and would have destroyed the subtlety of my intended messages.  Thus I decided to appear, unrecognizable, in a chamber filled with feathers adorned in a too-too and point shoes.  Furthermore, I intended to hum the tune from Act II into the microphone, but my personal disgust and incapacitation only lead to loud breathing to be heard. 

Sound creation and its choreography were given particular attention to.  The idea was not to create a re-working of the Tchaikovsky music, but rather to create and choreograph sounds that were to be inspired by emotions invoked by feathers or rather wings as they flow through air.  Sounds alluding to crickets in the background were originally intended to give a clear rhythm, but later transpired, after some considerable reflection, to be alluding to a swamp-like terrain or terrain inhabited by insects.  The sounds were intentionally made to be “creepy” and in conjunction with the black and white images were intended to create an attractive yet somewhat horrifying, yet not totally appalling image, similar to the 1950’s and 1960’s television series “Twilight zone” (Anker, 2004) opening number alluding to a potentially macabre ending (Wiater, Stanley, ed. 2001).

Thus it would be more than fair to say that the original idea was to create an installation, however, its creation and lateral research lead to a product that resembles more a live performance than a single video based installation.  The following section will elaborate on my emotions with respect to the performance and document some of the recorded emotions both during the making of and its performing.  


            Reflections and emotions with respect to the performance


It would be fair to say that a large part of my research ended up examining the concept of preparation and anticipation.  Namely, as the presentation began, two ushers placed in front of the studio evoked emotions of anticipation and they were meant to show, with a sense of mystique, a dose of domination and control.  Thus, the two ushers preparing the audience for the performance indicated an element of personal preparation that one would have before a performance (this pertaining to dancers).  Further as the audience entered the studio, they were shown a video of dancers applying their makeup before a live show.  This was yet another implication of personal anticipation before a public display.  While the audience was entering the room, I sat in the separated space, in the dark with the fan perturbing the feathers.  The audience did not notice me in the dark, suffering while in physical contact with feathers.  This almost hidden, trilogy of meaning was intended to evoke feelings of anticipation and expectation while the audience was not even aware that the performance was to begin.  First, the entrance, second the make-up, and finally my personal presence (unnoticed).  My presence was intended to simulate the feelings one would have in the backstage of a show.  This presence would not traditionally be noted by the audience in any ballet.  This was a personal examination of fears.  Personal fears of success or failure in front of an audience, let alone the fear of having to deal with an "enemy" like feathers.

The feeling of exploration is a two-way street.  As the choreographer and performer explore their space, so does the audience.  As the videos are underway, it is evident that the audience is searching for other ques.  They are not completely aware of the space that they occupy, however, given the room arrangement and presence of a table and a separated space, they are aware that something may be afoot.  I could finally see the audience during a performance (while I was invisible to them behind a screen) as their thoughts meander and lose their interest in the screens and become more aware of their environment.  This moment was critical for me, as I tried to revaluate a brief moment in time that was previously unknown to me as a dancer: the moment when the eyes of the audience veer from the "soloist" (in this case the four screens) and begin to examine other aspects of the performance.  In traditional theatres, this change of focus would be targeting other participants of the performance, scenography, backdrops, etc.  It would be fair to say that there is an element of fear, or ones personal feeling of lack of success, at the moment when the audiences' eyesight and focus shift from the soloist on the stage to "side-shows".

This led me to another personal exploration, while I was subjected to the horror of being touched by a myriad of feathers: can it be considered a failure not capture the complete attention of my audience?  Furthermore, what is my purpose on the stage if no one is looking at me?

The first interview in the videos directly responded to the idea of fear of feathers.  The entire interview was conducted in a pigeon-house.  I felt emotions of disgust as I filmed the scene and a sense of disbelief that one person could adorn themselves with feathers without a good reason (in my mind).  The second interview focused on the multitude of feathered animals and their omnipresence that cannot be controlled.  This idea that their omnipresence cannot be excluded in anyway horrified me even further. 

While the audience is slowly becoming aware of their space, the live performers begin to move around the room (changing lines).  Their movement was to be noticed through the sounds of their heels as they move though space.  The sound of heels was intended to emulate sounds of point shoes; namely, as professional dancers ready themselves to appear on the stage, they look at their colleagues, yet more importantly, they hear the tapping of feet.  This tapping of feet is a natural queue for when one is to enter the stage.  I wanted to emulate these sounds of tapping through sounds of high heels in order to achieve a feeling of anticipation.

As the performance progresses, I was trapped in the small enclosed space.  This enclosed space, filled with feathers, was intended to accentuate the discomfort of a performer while anticipating their moment of appearing on the stage. 

The audience, although aware of the changing of the performers' movement, was slowly becoming more aware of what was to come, as the fumes (essences and smells of food) permeated our performing space.  This was envisaged to highlight a sense of expectation in the audience.  Almost a childhood expectation of a meal when one senses the odours leaving a kitchen.  It was my idea to liven-up the expectation of the audience and observe their behaviour as they anticipate something to be given to them.  It turned out that I was not completely able to follow this in great detail as I was engulfed in feathers which were constantly perturbed by a hidden fan.

The third interview in the video presentation, spoken in English, finally “connects the dots” and summarises the essence of the performance: fear of feathers.  It was intentionally filmed in an almost mocking manner of a TV show (reference fast show), where a man smoking a leisurely cigar (alluding to a complete control of situation and bursting with self-confidence) appears not to be able to comprehend someone’s’ fears relating to feathers.  The image of man mocks the entire affair by wearing feathers that dancers would wear in a traditionally performed Act II of Swan Lake, in an almost dismissive way if not in an almost triumphant manner that a hunter would wear the hides of game that was previously hunted.

This third, spoken part was a queue for further live movement of the four performers.  The performer had some subtle gestures, implying fear of a swan in from of a man.   Furthermore, the performers moved their arms to invoke more resemblance to the swans in Act II. 

As the performers move behind a table, I have insisted on a light change where for the first time music is heard.  Emotionless faces of performers appeared to be sucked under the table.  The emotions that this scene invoked were to be those of involuntary transformation: almost a forceful transformation from a person to a swan.  Once the performers emerge, they are clearly something that they did not want to become.  This invoked an uneasy feeling as it was clear that they (and they are an embodiment of myself) were made to do something that they were not comfortable with.  This moment further made me think of the fact that often, if not almost every time when it comes to Swan Lake, I would have to do something as it was deemed professional even though it was highly uncomfortable (and even irritating and horrifying) in the name of my career and profession.  This further confused me as I have begun asking myself the question of “why am I doing this?”, “I have chosen this profession since I love it, it was not for the money or for the career! If this is the case, since when has the career and money taken primacy over my personal feelings?”
As the performers appear again behind the table with diadems, and smell of food becomes now clear, there is no way back.  This was my symbolic entering onto the stage and it was “show time”.  Self eating, or the swans eating poultry, invoked feelings of unscrupulousness in the dance profession whereby a dancers injury would mean an automatic artistic death.  Death in which another dancer would take over and I would be forgotten.

The final sequence of the performance is when the light finally shows me, in an enclosed space amongst feathers.  For me, this is my moment of truth.  Yet I could not perform.  I could not hum the tune from Act II. 

Rationally speaking, it makes little sense why such a little, and to the naked eye simple task could not be accomplished.  I was present in the space all along.  I was there looking at the audience.  I have spent some considerable time in this space and I tried to raise myself in point shoes.  This was a painful experience yet I have paid no attention to this occurrence as my focus was on the idea that it would all be over very soon and that all I need to do is “grin and bear it”.  As I approached the microphone, I wanted to hum a tune.  However, emotionally, this moment was so overpowering for me that I was frozen.  The entire presentation was in fact about preparation.  The ushers prepared us (for the presentation), the choreographed videos prepared us (telling us it was about fear of feathers), and the four performers unwillingly (and perhaps unwittingly) dragged onto the stage prepared me for my appearance.  Finally I appeared.

The presentation ends with the performers taking their original positions by the wall, indicating that my ‘solo act” was over.  The presentation was over.

After writing this text, besides having grasped a small glimpse into the answers of the originally posed questions, I have arrived perhaps to an even more important question: Am I afraid of feathers or do I suffer from stage fright? 

This question is a valid one as my first personal solo act was the “Court jester” in Swan Lake.  This was my “big debut”.  At this moment I can only trace my fear of feathers back to that moment and I can say that I was afraid to some degree of feathered animals since my earliest childhood.  So was this only “mild discomfort” turned into a fully fledged phobia because of my work?



The theoretical idea was to use a reworking of a traditional piece.  The act of reworking would serve as a vehicle for self analysis.  Having said this, the vehicle itself needs a theoretical identification and underpinning.  This “new piece” (reworked, reconstructed or recreated) needs identification (Tomas, 2004).  Has this Act II been reworked, reconstructed or recreated? 

“Dance researchers often use the terms reconstruction, revival and re-creation interchangeably, although some have sought to make a clear distinction between them.  For Selma Jean Cohen (1993), for example, a revival is carried out by the choreographer him/himself.  A reconstruction is made by someone else who researches the ‘work’.  A re-creation is concerned to capture the ‘spirit of the work’.  Ann Hutchinson Guest (2000: 65), on the other hand, uses the term revival to refer to a work that has been brought to life by someone using a notated music score ‘a musician bringing a music composition to life from a notated music score’...A reconstruction, according to Hutchinson Guest (2000), involves ‘constructing a work anew’ from a wide range of ‘sources, and information, with the intention of getting as close to the original as possible...A recreation for is based on an idea or a story...which has been lost in the mists of time...may involve the original music or idea.” (Thomas, 2004: pp 34-35)

As this piece has clearly not been lost, reconstruction is unnecessary.  As I have revisited the piece and gave it new meaning, it is fair to say that this is a reworking (as defined by Midgelow, 2007).

Bearing in mind that the reworking of Act II was to serve as a vehicle for the examination of my phobia[1], I have not focused onto the actual plot of the live performance but on the emotions that each part of the act evoked in me.  Only then were these emotions demonstrated in a new choice of movement, light, smell, costume, makeup, videos, and timing.

I have decided to analyse my case by a method of controlled "flooding" of senses used and successfully tested by Abramović (Sundel and Stone-Sundel, 2004).  Emotional flooding[2] was used both during experimentation phases as well as in the final presentation. 

It turned out not to be a flooding of senses with feathers only but with the sense of “anticipation and continual preparation.”

Having analysed my work, it turned out that my pteronophobia could have been a case of symptom substitution[3].



            Addressing the concerns and answering the questions


The first question proposed was: “What is the nature of my phobia?”  In light of the discussion about my emotions raised during the research and the actual performance, I feel that answering this question should not be done at the beginning, but rather at the end. 

This question was followed by: “What senses are engaged in identifying a perceived threat that turns into a phobia?”  During the live performance stimuli of sight, sound, touch, and smell were purposefully employed.  Having analysed each one of them piece by piece, the following can be concluded:  sound is perhaps the most “ominous” as it allows a person to conjure images in their mind while invariably allowing the “worst case scenario” for the individual to imagine.  Sight offers an “inevitability” clause to the phobia when the person no longer needs to imagine what is about to happen but is then fully aware of the “dangers” presence.  The sense of touch in its own right, and without the minds “assistance” of conjuring images of what is being touched, serves a secondary function as the act of touching a feather does not cause physical harm and thus a body will not automatically (instinctively) shy away from feathers.  The sense of smell, to me, appears to be only a reinforcing sense.  Like sound, it only allows mental images to be created and thus bears resemblance to the sense of hearing.  Therefore I can conclude that, in my case, the answer to the question of “which senses in particular are ‘irritated’ and cause a phobia and which senses remain unaffected and why?” cannot be answered properly as it not a clear cut case that some senses are “switched on or off” but rather serve as “initiatory or supportive”.  In this case, sight and hearing are the instigator senses while touch and smell are secondary.

The question “Is the fear itself of a physical or psychological nature?” has a clear answer, in my case, that the fear induced is a of a psychological nature, however, it may reasonably be assumed that the fear of feathers is in fact a substitute fear of something else, more deep-seated and hidden, which the first-last question will demonstrate.

The question that asks “what is the nature of personal perception of physical pain?” in my case refers to another issue: it is not a question of physical pain but that of a self defence mechanism so that the pain does not occur.  My pteronophobia allows me to distance myself from something that may potentially cause harm (naturally only I perceive this as a physical threat).  Thus the nature of a persons’ perception of pain is little more than ones self-defence mechanism of self preservation.

The relationship and nature of the tension between the desire to face one’s fear on one side and the desire to turn away on the other in my case seems to lie in a simple fact that this “nature and relationship” between two opposing forces is little more than an elaboration of an imaginary construct.  Namely, the phobia is a psychological construct and state, the need to face it is nothing more than a psychological construct designed by the mind in order to serve as a “rectifying force” that restores a “chemical balance” in the brain.  Thus for a mind to believe that these occurrences are normal, it needs to explain to itself that there must be a connecting factor or a reasonable line “connecting the two dots”.    Problem being, that even the two dots are in fact a substitute for a completely different idea.  This in fact leads us to the answer of the last, or first, question:

“What is the nature of the phobia?”

It would appear that I suffer from pteronophobia.  An unreasonable, unsubstantiated, and inexplicable fear of feathers and feather animals.  I can trace my discomfort of feathers back to adolescence.  However, I can trace my clear phobia only to the time when I became a soloist.  I am, to a degree, bothered when the eyes of an audience veer away from me.  I am extremely nervous before a performance.  I feel nervous as I prepare for my stage appearances.  The reworking of Act II has focused on preparation, anticipation, the inevitability of stage appearance, even touched on the “unwitting” and perhaps maybe even involuntary “dragging into the mud – ballet” (when four dancers sink behind the table with background sounds of almost underwater drowning-like noises).  I have subconsciously, yet in the end purposefully chosen to rework my phobia by reworking Swan Lake, even though I also played the role of Firebird in the same named classical piece. 

I would need to conclude that the nature of my phobia is in fact a reinforcing or substitute phobia of stage fright.  A fear of not being successful as a classical dancer on the stage.  Perhaps a simple discomfort of childhood grew into a fully fledged phobia to serve as a surrogate for something else that I needed to hide (or at least persuade myself as a normal occurrence that everyone experiences).  And for my mind it was convenient to both substitute and “hide under the carpet” than to deal with it.

My main concern is that if my pteronophobia is a substitute phobia and I may have a fear of public performing, then what is at the root of my stage fright?  If I suffer from stage fright, is this fear seated in the possibility of temporary failure (that I may not perform to the best of my ability), or is it seated in my personal need to be interesting and “capture the audience” (a type of attention deficiency syndrome).   Having said this, this piece of academic work has clearly defined boundaries and thus the aforementioned may be a subject of further investigations as it is beyond the scope of this work.

            Outcomes of the research and potential flaws


1.    My better understanding of how to choreograph videos and combine video choreography with live performance
2.    My better understanding of the nature of my pteronophobia
3.    A live performance enabling others to partake in my research allowing the audience to perhaps revaluate their own attitudes towards their phobias
With respect to the first outcome, it is clear that video choreography enables the choreographer to control more what the audience sees and can transport a choreographer’s message more precisely as there is no “loss in translation” like in a live performance.  Using a static camera without movement (just changing angle) enables the choreographer to show the same movement from a different angle.  This being transposed to understanding of movement, the same piece (issue or perhaps phobia) can be reworked and revaluated.

With respect to the second outcome, it is clear that the nature of my phobia may be a reinforcement and substitution of a different phenomenon born out my own denial that a professional classical ballet dancer may actually suffer from a case of stage fright.

The live performance allowed the performers to be able to revaluate their own potential phobias by thinking about them as they were experimenting in the studio with me.  Furthermore, the proximity of the audience to the performers, allowed the audience to partake in the performance (including the sense of smell) and thus perhaps allowing them to at least partially be able to understand what stimuli are irritating to me (if not to empathise).



Conclusion  

            Answers to questions


This thesis has documented an attempt to gain answers to questions relating to the nature of a personal phobia (pteronophobia).  It attempted to address the senses involved in its triggering and propagation, it tried to reasonably identify the forces of personal attraction and disgust with respect to feathers.  This was done by reworking the Act II f Swan Lake.

Instead of getting clear cut answers, it transpired that this phobia only served to mask another fear, more precisely stage fright.  A fear of not being successful as a classical dancer on the stage.  Perhaps a simple discomfort of childhood grew into a fully fledged phobia to serve as a surrogate for something else that I felt was even a shameful thing that a professional performer should not even think about, let alone elaborate on and give into.

The forces that were to be examined within the phobia turned out to be merely psychological constructs of the mind that wanted to have a rational explanation - which was a mistake to begin with: there is seldom a rational explanation for an irrational state of mind.

I have exposed myself to pain and pressure, and in the process discovered that choreography need not only be applied onto movement: but can be applied in therapeutic methods in which sounds, smells, lights, and audience positioning and proximity can be choreographed as well.

            Overall conclusion and future research


Future research could be geared towards my case of stage fright: however, it may prove more difficult to address with the senses flooding technique.  I regularly expose myself to this occurrence (appearing on stage) and thus it may render this exercise worthless.  Analysis of a phobia by reworking may be a successful method once, but the question remains: can it be a suitable method in a repeated experiment of self analysis and perhaps self healing.

Furthermore, I have employed smells as a part of choreography for the first time; it may be interesting to rely more heavily on this tool in future choreographies.




Bibliography


·         Anker, Roger, ed. (2004). The Twilight Zone Scripts of Charles Beaumont, Vol. 1. Colorado Springs, CO: Gauntlet Press.

·         Bourne, Edmund J. (2011). The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook 5th ed.. New Harbinger Publications. pp. 50–51.

·         Bremser, M.  (1999).  Fifty Contemporary Choreographers.  Abington, Oxon, Great Britain:  Routledge.

·         Carter, A.  (2004).  Rethinking Dance History:  a reader.  London, Great Britain:  Routledge.

·         Carlson, Neil R.  and Heth, C. Donald.  (2010).  Psychology the Science of Behaviour.  Ontario, Canada:  Pearsnon Education Canada (pp 20-22).

·         Campbell, P.  (1996).  Analysing performance:  a critical reader.  Manchester, United Kingdom:  Manchester University Press.

·         Fernandes, C.  (2001).  Pina Bausch and the Wupertal Dance Theatre:  the aesthetics of repetition and transformation.  New York, United States of America:  Peter Lang Publishing, Inc.

·         Heathfield, A.  (2004).  Live:  Art and Performance.  New York, United States of America:  Routlege. (pp 144-151).

·         Hunt, M.E. (2002, October 23).  Cullberg Ballet: Swan Lake. Critical Dance Magazine, Retrieved from http://www.criticaldance.com/reviews/2002/cullberg_swanlake-021023.html

·         James, W.  (2007).  The Principles of Psychology.   New York, United States of America:  Cosimo, Inc.  (pp 44).

·         Karayanni, S.  S.  (2004).  Dancing fear and desire:  race, sexuality, and imperial politics in Middle Eastern dance.  Waterloo, Ontario, Canada:  Wilfrid Laurier University Press.

·         Laplanche,  J., Pontalis, J.B.  (1973).  The Language of psychonanalysis.  London, Great Britain:  Karnac Books.


·         Midgelow, V.  (2007).  Reworking the ballet:  Counter-narratives and alternative.  Abington, Oxon, Great Britain:  Routlege (pp10-14).

·         Richards, M.  (2010).  Marina Abramović.  Abington, Oxon, Great Britain:  Routledge (pp10-32).

·         Ridout, N.  (2006).  Stage Fright, Animals and other Theatrical Problems.  Cambridge, United Kingdom:  Cambridge University Press.

·         Sundel, M., Sundel, S.S (2004).  Behaviour change in the human services:  Behavioural and cognitive principles and applications.  Thousand Oaks, California, United States of America:  Sage Publications, Inc.

·         Wiater, Stanley, ed. (2001). Richard Matheson's The Twilight Zone Scripts, Vol. 1. Colorado Springs, CO: Gauntlet Press.



[1] A phobia (from the Greek: φόβος, Phóbos, meaning "fear" or "morbid fear") is, when used in the context of clinical psychology, a type of anxiety disorder, usually defined as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely, the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress and significant interference in social or occupational activities (Bourne, 2011)
[2] Emotional flooding is a form of psychotherapy that involves attacking the unconscious and/or subconscious mind to release repressed feelings and fears. Many of the techniques used in modern emotional flooding practice have roots in history, some tracing as far back as early tribal societies.
[3] An unconscious psychological process by which a repressed impulse is indirectly manifested through a particular symptom, e.g., anxiety, compulsion, depression, hallucination, obsession. (LaPlanche and Pontalis, 1967)

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