"My
pteronophobia”: A study of reworking and facing one’s own fear
Author: Aleksandar Ilić
Submitted in partial fulfilment of the requirement for
the degree of MA Choreography
Trinity Laban
September, 2012
This document represents a summary of research
into a personal fear of feathers and feathered animals: pteronophobia. It addresses a phobia and seeks to answer the
questions relating to the nature of this phobia, which senses are engaged in
its propagating, and what is the nature of the tension between the desire to
face one’s fear on ones side and the desire to turn away on the other. The work documents a reworking of Swan Lake
Act II by explaining the choice of choreography of movement, timing, sound,
light, smells, and modes of audience interaction. It elaborates on emotions and reflections of
the choreographer both during and after the experimentation and the final
presentation of the combination of video presentations and live
performance. The document also explains
how the sounds were created for the live performance and explains which
elements served to depict personally horrifying moments. It elaborates on a personal perception of
what choreography is from the point of view of a classically trained dancer
that still performs a classical and neo-classical repertoire at a National
Theatre. Theoretical underpinnings
behind a reworking of a well known piece are given as is the rationale behind
using the senses “flooding technique” adopted by Abramović. The flooding technique allows for a detailed
reflection of emotions during the performance.
The thesis answers the aforementioned questions and concludes that the
nature of this particular phobia is in fact a substitute and surrogate phobia
of stage fright. It demonstrates that one
phobia can serve as a personal self-preservation or mental defence mechanism to
allow an individual from considering or re-evaluating another more deep seated
fear or neurosis that is unfathomable to a professional performer.
Key words: choreography, reworking, phobia, emotions, emotional
flooding
Table of Contents
This thesis represents an accompanying document to the
video presentation that has been shown in the summer of 2012. The title of the dissertation has been born
out of three distinct ideas: how can one face and deconstruct ones phobias, can
an embodiment of a phobia be used as a vehicle for the deconstruction itself,
and is self healing possible by the "flooding method" as demonstrated
by Marina Abramović (Richards, 2010).
Thus the title of the dissertation is “My pteronophobia”: A study of
reworking and facing one’s own fear.
This introduction of this document contains the aim of
my research, it's starting point, lists the questions which have arisen and
which the research has aimed to answer, it will explain its theoretical
rationale and theoretical underpinning, the research methodology, and its outcomes. It is suggested that after reading this
introduction, the reader then sees the attached DVD, and only then continue
reading the main body of the thesis.
The main body of the dissertation outlines the plot of
the performance, offers an insight on how it was created, explains the
reflections and emotions with respect to its creation and performing, explains
the theoretical framework used for analysis, addresses the concerns and issues
raised during the creating process of the performance, finally points out to
the outcomes, answers questions, and indicated what might be the potential
flaws
The conclusion of the dissertation offers a summary of
what the author perceives to be the answers of the research questions and
points out what might be some avenues of future research.
The primary aim of this project is to investigate a
model (model is called flooding and used by Abramović) of an individual’s confrontation
of a deep-seated personal fear or phobia.
The project will explore this possibility by taking a specific personal
fear (pteronophobia: a deep seated fear of feathers and/or tickling) which will
be reworked though an established and well known classic piece. The vehicle for the investigation of the
phobia will be a reworking of Act II of the Swan Lake. In my personal view, the Swan in its presence
and behaviour is the embodiment of my personal fears, with which as a dancer, I
need to interact and struggle both professionally and emotionally on the stage. Furthermore, “Arguably,
the Swan Lake is the epitome of all things balletic” and has a “canonical and iconic status and on account
of the wealth and complexity of the different reworkings that have been staged”
(Midgelow, 2007: 4-5).
In this research, the starting point will be
positioning of the individual (myself) and emotional state in a wider context,
or in other words how will my emotional state influence my physical capabilities. This emotional state will be then addressed
through a prism of the individual’s immediate environment, or in other words I
will address how the audience reacts to this state and their feedback. This will be followed by a study of the
individual’s choice of actions and emotions that follow as a result of the
feedback. The audience will be shown a
sequence of actions made which are a result of the narrowing of choices and
avenues that the frustrated and terrified person has (or at least perceives to
have).
The study of the topic may present a problem after the
shift of focus is made from the position of one who experiences the phobia,
which is externally induced, into the position of the phobia itself as the Swan
in act II of the Swan Lake is originally female. This might be construed as an investigation
into gender and sexual issues and fears and thus present a degree of confusion
in the audience. This represents a
challenge as gender issues have been elaborated through this topic in the past
(Hunt, 2002 and Midgelow, 2007) and the audience may have preconceptions
vis-a-vis the subject. It should be
clear from the beginning that this is not a study of sexuality or gender issues
from the outset and thus any outcome which leads in that direction is purely
unintentional
The authors'
experiences with choreography have until recently been limited to
reconstruction of classical and neo-classical pieces, restaging of classical
pieces, and only some limited contemporary movement design, created for large
stages and commercial audiences. I
decided to re examine my choreographic practise and delve into a new approach whereby I examine myself as an individual
with respect to my vision of choreography as a possible tool for self-analysis
and potentially self-healing.
Furthermore,
choreography for video recordings is a totally new field which I have
discovered during this research period and I felt it needed to be incorporated
as both an examination technique and a demonstration of newly acquired
competences.
Over the
past 12 years and countless performances of the pas-de-trois in act I of Swan
Lake, I was forced to be in permanent contact with, and be a part of, the corps
du ballet adorned with feathers. As a
part of my job description, I could not and cannot leave the backstage until
the ballet is over. There was no choice
but to force myself to be present even though it terrified me.
Thus, I have
often found myself in a position of fear, have drawn parallels, and found
myself relating to "how the Swan felt when in fear" of the Prince at
the beginning.
This first question which arises from the
primary aim of the project is: what is the nature of my phobia? Followed by: Which senses are engaged in
identifying a perceived threat that turns into a phobia? Which senses in particular
are "irritated" and cause a phobia and which senses remain unaffected
and why? Is the fear itself of physical
nature or psychological nature (since it is reasonable to presume that physical
contact with feathers is not really physically painful)? What is the nature of personal perception of
physical pain?
During the process of researching a second set of
questions emerged and the author felt that they needed addressing in order to
round-off the work: What is the relationship and nature of the tension between
the desire to face one’s fear on one side and the desire to turn away on the
other? Are these forces, although
apparently conflicting, mutually reinforcing? How does one force prevail?
The theoretical underpinning and explanation for the
choice of reworking the set piece, rather than reconstruction is that
reconstruction implies a recreation of an existent piece based on partial
information and voids which must be filled by a type of extrapolation and
jigsaw connecting with pieces missing.
The idea of reconstruction suggests educated guesswork with similar
emphasis and ideas projected as in the original piece. Reworking implies revisiting of existing
pieces and giving new meaning with new emphasis that significantly alter the
perception of both the artist and audience (Midgelow, 2007). In this sense, the chosen act II of the Swan
Lake which "originally" depicts the first meeting of Prince Siegfried
and Princess Odette and her initial fright of the Prince will be reworked by
placing me in the role of Odette, which is the embodiment of a feathered
animal. It is precisely the reworking
rather than reconstructing that will be a departure from the practises to which
I am accustomed to.
The rationale for placing me within the body, or as an
epitome, of feathered creatures has its grounding in the established approach
of almost self immersion into deepest fears in previous work of Marina
Abramović. Namely, Abramović suffered from
a disorder closely related to haemophilia (hemoravia) during her early
childhood which manifested itself in prolonged periods of bleeding in case of
cuts, bruises or teeth loss (Richards, 2010).
As a consequence se developed a deep fear of blood and bleeding which
she associated with death (Heathfiled, 2004), a condition she tried to examine,
and perhaps remedy, by staging a piece, Thomas' Lips (1975) in which she
purposefully cut herself in order to bleed and then assess herself in the
process of unfreezing her emotions with respect to that phenomenon. Using a similar analogy, I will attempt to
create movement and analyse my behaviour and emotions towards pteronophobia by
being the feathered animal itself.
This technique of controlled "flooding" used
by Abramović (Sundel and Stone-Sundel, 2004) of senses (touch, smell, taste,
sight, sound) with the sources of emotional or physical pain will help in
identification and examination of individual senses and perhaps help bring
forward an understanding of my personal perception of pain.
Furthermore, the nature of the phobia will be
addressed by examining the "time" component. In her interviews, Abramović stated that to
her a painful experience had a more profound effect if it lasted a longer
period of time (even if it appeared less offensive or intense to the audience)
than if it were more offensive to the eye (cutting oneself across the stomach)
and was over within a few minutes (Heathfiled, 2004). The same parallel can be drawn with my
viewing and participation in the corps du ballet over a period of 12 years in
comparison to say plucking a feather and throwing it away.
The study of relationship and the nature of the
interacting forces of fear and willingness to fight against phobias is
theoretically grounded in the Gestalt psychology of sensory perception which
stipulates that the sum of individual stimuli (vision, taste, touch, etc) is
greater and has a greater psychological effect than each stimulus itself
(Carlson and Heath, 2010). Thus my personal
phobia will be studied by seeing the entire phenomenon as a whole rather than
applying the atomistic view as defined by Hume (James, 2007). Answers pertaining to the interaction between
forces, their reinforcing, and if one can indeed prevail will be discovered
only after the performance itself, and may in the end be only known to me.
Research methodology consists of literature review,
video review, studio practice and physical preparations, collaboration with
other students and researches, as well as the final self-review.
Was conducted and divided into two distinct
categories: (1) literature pertaining to matters of psychology, phobias,
perceptions, and emotions that relate to phobias. This literature review provided a clear
ground in the theoretical analysis of what has been seen and experienced. (2)
Literature pertaining to past reworkings of classical pieces, their techniques,
aims, and effectiveness with respect to the intended idea by the choreographer. The first category ensured that the
experimentation is adequately set-up, that the effects of reflexivity in
research were adequately treated and that recorded events were adequately analysed. Second category formed a body of knowledge
which was used to improve the quality, perception, and qualitative appraisal of
what is recorded by the camera.
This method enabled the author to analyse the way different
choreographers have used gestures to delineate secondary and new emphasis on
newly experienced emotions that were provoked by "source
pieces". It also served to
understand how other choreographers have "built" their movement from
emotions and initial impulses offered by the source pieces.
This served to develop and define movement of
the reworked piece and its staging for the audience. In terms of physical preparation a phase of
experimentation was conducted as I felt that I needed to be "flooded"
with feathers: and this process was designed.
There were several options of flooding: one can be totally naked
(perhaps even totally shaved invoking a "plucked-chicken" effect) and
then surrounded by feathers, or totally adorned by feathers in terms of
costume, or by feather "showering" in an enclosed space; of which the
third was used for the final presentation of the reworked piece.
I have collaborated and experimented with
Anton Strilchuk, studying toward his BA degree in Music computing, in terms of
music creation, and created sounds for the presented videos. I have built on this experience and worked on
a new music score that was to be used for the reworking and experimentation.
At different stages of the research and creation
process, recordings will be made of both me and of another person (which will
serve as a control sample) who does not have the same issues with
feathers. Separate recordings of events under the same conditions (save the fact
that it will be performed by a no phobic person) will be made and
compared. This will provide me with an
enhanced perspective of my behaviour during the flooding.
At the beginning
of research, there are two possibilities as outcomes: one, a live performance
which there would be a solo act, and other, a video presentation. In both cases there was to be a solo
act. However, the final outcome was a
live performance with four video presentations that were first choreographed
into a "pas de quatre", which were then further choreographed into a
live performance with five other performers (excluding the interactive audience
of approximately eleven).
The reason
for this outcome was that the author has, thus far, created live performances
and felt that the effect that live viewing of feathers and his interaction with
them would have a deeper impact on an audience than a video recording. On the other hand, prior to this research,
author received positive feedback on the only two videos made,
and the author has therefore decided to amalgamate the two techniques into one
output format. The decision on the
format of the outcome was made after 4-5 weeks of studio practice and physical
preparation.
This would be the first piece that was created
as a reworking from a classical source piece and thus the first learning
outcome was an improved understanding of what reworking is and how it can be
done. Furthermore, this would be the authors'
first piece where video choreography was amalgamated with live performance.
Research allowed the author to be more aware
of the senses that govern personal
behaviour and define a clearer rapport with external sources
of input, particularly those that have an emotionally crippling effect. It has helped the author understand more
clearly (by drawing parallels of similar first hand experiences) some of the
works and emotional states of Marina Abramović.
The work allowed others to see how the
"flooding" technique can be used for research in choreography.
The
live performance was a vital component of the output of this research and its
outline follows. Once this section
offers a factual account of the performance, which serves to complement the
experience for those who have seen the performance and guide through those who
will see its recording, more detailed accounts and explanations of reflections
and emotions will follow.
The
live performance was shown in the Design studio #4 of the „Cottages“. The studio consisted of a totally empty room
with two windows which were completely shut so that no light penetrated into
the room. The rectangular room was
approximately 3 meters in width by 6 metres in length. The layout of the room was not designed for
live performances but could serve as an experimentation room.
The
performance begins as two ushers show the audience into the room. Their function was more as „hostesses“rather
than ushers. The audience is let into a
dark room and they were intentionally emotionless and gave no indications to
the audience as they ushered them in.
They were instructed not to have any interaction of a personal or congenial
nature with the audience. Once the exact
number of viewers was accounted for (15 including the photographer and
technical assistance), one usher entered into the room, checked that the
performers were ready and that the four video screens have been properly
started, opened the door of the studio from within and allowed the audience to
enter without any explicit instructions given to the audience. They were instructed to dominate the audience
with their sheer presence, and the three performers, dressed in black with an
exaggerated feminine side dressed in little black dresses, black stockings, and
black high heels. Their hair was
arranged in a simple brushed back hair tied back as if in a classical ballet. It was my intention to create an elegant, yet
simple (no makeup) impression.
Once
the audience entered, the second remaining usher also entered, creating a line
of four performers, standing with the wall of the room at their backs, and
closed the door.
Four
videos were running and during their presenting only three times, three
performers had spoken lines, totalling 12 minutes.
Figure 1: 4 videos
Each change on one of the
screens was a signal for the four live performers to change their
positioning. The positions were
classical ballet stage moves: straight line, followed by another straight line,
a diagonal, followed by another straight line-up. The 4 videos, projected pigeons at the
beginning, which were followed by the first spoken text relating to fear of
feathers (in German), followed by pigeons depicted in various closed in spaces
(designed for human habitat rather than birds), followed by a spoken text
connecting a fear of feathers and fear of birds (in FrenAleksandru
Iliću uručena diploma Magistra koreografije
ch). The film then transgresses into a documentary
filmed while classical ballet dancers are preparing and putting on their makeup
before a performance of Swan Lake at a theatre, their warm-up exercises, and
their exiting on the stage. This is
followed by their appearance on the stage in Act II of the Swan Lake as the swans
enter the stage until the curtain fall of Act II which was show while the last
section of spoken text was projected (in English) which spoke of a lack of
understanding for someone who has a fear of feathers.
The
videos then return to the same initial showing of pigeons (all four of them)
and fade into white (all of the videos were intentionally filmed in
black-and-white technique).
Fading
into white of the fourth video was a signal for the live performers to shift
from their straight line-up (which was opposite of the screens and the audience
was between them), to shift towards and sit behind a table (opposite the
audience). Their act of sitting behind
the table, which was covered in black cloth, was choreographed so that they
appeared not to sit at the table but rather hide beneath it. There were only two light changes during this
period so that the initial light projected at their faces as they stood behind
the table was designed to emulate the same line of light that the 4 TV's
gave. Once they hid completely beneath
the table, they showed only their hands above the table. After a while, all 4 performers emerge from
beneath the table, with diadems on their heads (as in the traditional part of
costumes for swans in Swan Lake), pull the 4 chairs towards the table and sit
at the table in a four-person line-up.
Four
plates, loaded with chicken were placed on the table by the performers, and
after they lowered their hands on the side of their bodies, they begin to
devour the food on their plates, only using their mouths (their hands remain on
the sides of their bodies).
Figure 2: Swan cannibalism
After
this act, the four of them cross their hands as if they were performing the
classical move of the pas-de-quatre of Swan Lake Act II, and freeze in this hand-lock.
Figure 3: Swan pas de quatre
As
this lock is achieved, a blue light shines in an extremely small and confined
space next to the table (barely enough for one person to stand vertically in
it) within which feathers are agitated.
In this space a male dancer, dressed only in point shoes and a too-too
attempts to stand in point shoes and reach a microphone placed at waist height
(which was almost impossible as the space was extremely confined), attempted to
hum the tune from Act II of Swan Lake (variation of Odette)
unsuccessfully. This was genuinely
impossible doe to space constraints and amount of feathers in the air. Only a loud breathing was heard via the
microphone. The light then dies down
completely, which was a signal for the other 4 live performers to line-up
standing again in their original positions as when the audience entered. Once the performers lined up, one performer
opened the door, completely emotionlessly, and let the audience out of the
room.
Figure 4: Swans line up as audience
leaves
Once
the audience left, the door was shut again, signalling the end of the
performance.
At
the beginning of this research, it was thought that the best outcome would be a
single film, or rather, an installation based on a single video presentation. This film was intended to be a linear
reconstruction of Act II of Swan Lake that was to be inspired by my personal
fear of feathers. The complete
choreography from stage was to have been transposed from the dance boards onto
the screen. This act of transposing live
movement onto the screens was to have served as a form of self exploration and
perhaps self healing. However, during
the actual practice in studios and re-enacting for the actual filming, I felt
that there was little progress made towards a better understanding of my fears,
their impact on my personality, let alone a deeper understanding of the forces
of disgust and attraction that could be studied in a deeper and more meaningful
manner. It turned out to be an act of
re-enacting which served little more than the actual act of dancing as a
professional dancer at a National theatre, serving the well established
repertoire.
This
inspired the possibility that a live narration and verbal expression, whether
direct or indirect and between the lines, would help accent a secondary plot
that would be inspired by my phobias, rather than retelling the well known
story.
Realizing
this idea opened a new avenue, which led to experimentation: the result of
which was a multitude of speeches recorded (in 6 different languages). After some consideration, the 6 different
speeches and their respective languages were reduced to only three. It was felt that having all 6 of them would
not only be time consuming, but that a reduction would serve to give an
“essence of feelings” rather than a watered down version of labouring the
obvious, and thus making the potential installation predictable.
At
this stage began my real interaction with my personal phobias, as my search for
the replacement of these sequences led me to attics, pens, pigeon houses, hen
houses, and other places where birds, their carcasses, eggs, feathers, and
everything else relating to feathered animals was to be found. Thus it would be fair to say that the actual
process of finding locations and filming them had an almost therapeutic effect
in terms of emotional flooding (Carlson and Heath, 2007).
Even
though this appeared to have been leading away from the idea of reconstructing
Act II of Swan Lake, I have consciously tried to maintain the link. I wanted not to lose the connecting thread
with the original idea of reworking this Act.
I returned the film sequences to the make-up preparations of the ballerinas
before the show, showing sequences of dancers preparing. This would probably serve as a self-defence
mechanism, in my desire to cover-up a perceived threat (of feathers) into a
normal routine that is both to my mind emotionally acceptable, and instead of
images of dead birds serving as food to others of their kind, socially
acceptable images of a prima ballerina preparing for her debut.
I
filmed two different performances of the Swan Lake, as this would enable me to
have more than one angle of the same scene.
This was purely for technical reasons and served no other purpose. Once I previewed this material, it occurred
to me that it would be more productive to have more than one single video, as
it was the general practice during the Research and Development Modules. The idea of a multitude o films was linked
with clear symbolism of four swans in Act II, thus resulting in four different
(in personalities and appearance) yet complementing videos-personalities-swans-dancers-sub
consciousnesses.
Black
and white technique of videos was born out of the idea that a certain need of
poeticism was needed for the four videos-personalities-swans-dancers-sub
consciousnesses and I did not want colour to burden the images and distract for
the essence: feathers. Sound, save for
the monologues, was intentionally absent for my reasons of personal
aesthetics. I felt that at this stage of
the research, there was no completion or a sense of closure to this study of
phobia. This was further rectified with
a complementing live performance.
Live
performance and video installations, or rather their merging, posed a
challenge, which resulted in two distinct sequences. This made the presentation clearer to the
viewers and was in line with my personal view that there should be a clear
focus of activities whereby the videos should not distract from the live
performers and vice versa.
A
classical balance between the live performers and videos was thus achieved.
At
the final stage of experimentation I decided to participate in the performance
and decided to be one of the live performers rather than to film myself. The original idea was to lie in feathers,
which turned out to be both predictable and somewhat anticlimactic. The second idea was show my fear during the
interaction with feathers in some form of a feather shower, but this was
thought to be also lacking in meaning and would have destroyed the subtlety of
my intended messages. Thus I decided to
appear, unrecognizable, in a chamber filled with feathers adorned in a too-too
and point shoes. Furthermore, I intended
to hum the tune from Act II into the microphone, but my personal disgust and
incapacitation only lead to loud breathing to be heard.
Sound
creation and its choreography were given particular attention to. The idea was not to create a re-working of
the Tchaikovsky music, but rather to create and choreograph sounds that were to
be inspired by emotions invoked by feathers or rather wings as they flow
through air. Sounds alluding to crickets
in the background were originally intended to give a clear rhythm, but later
transpired, after some considerable reflection, to be alluding to a swamp-like
terrain or terrain inhabited by insects.
The sounds were intentionally made to be “creepy” and in conjunction
with the black and white images were intended to create an attractive yet
somewhat horrifying, yet not totally appalling image, similar to the 1950’s and
1960’s television series “Twilight zone” (Anker, 2004) opening number alluding
to a potentially macabre ending (Wiater, Stanley, ed. 2001).
Thus
it would be more than fair to say that the original idea was to create an
installation, however, its creation and lateral research lead to a product that
resembles more a live performance than a single video based installation. The following section will elaborate on my
emotions with respect to the performance and document some of the recorded
emotions both during the making of and its performing.
It
would be fair to say that a large part of my research ended up examining the
concept of preparation and anticipation.
Namely, as the presentation began, two ushers placed in front of the
studio evoked emotions of anticipation and they were meant to show, with a
sense of mystique, a dose of domination and control. Thus, the two ushers preparing the audience
for the performance indicated an element of personal preparation that one would
have before a performance (this pertaining to dancers). Further as the audience entered the studio,
they were shown a video of dancers applying their makeup before a live
show. This was yet another implication of
personal anticipation before a public display.
While the audience was entering the room, I sat in the separated space,
in the dark with the fan perturbing the feathers. The audience did not notice me in the dark,
suffering while in physical contact with feathers. This almost hidden, trilogy of meaning was
intended to evoke feelings of anticipation and expectation while the audience
was not even aware that the performance was to begin. First, the entrance, second the make-up, and
finally my personal presence (unnoticed).
My presence was intended to simulate the feelings one would have in the
backstage of a show. This presence would
not traditionally be noted by the audience in any ballet. This was a personal examination of
fears. Personal fears of success or
failure in front of an audience, let alone the fear of having to deal with an
"enemy" like feathers.
The
feeling of exploration is a two-way street.
As the choreographer and performer explore their space, so does the
audience. As the videos are underway, it
is evident that the audience is searching for other ques. They are not completely aware of the space
that they occupy, however, given the room arrangement and presence of a table
and a separated space, they are aware that something may be afoot. I could finally see the audience during a
performance (while I was invisible to them behind a screen) as their thoughts
meander and lose their interest in the screens and become more aware of their
environment. This moment was critical
for me, as I tried to revaluate a brief moment in time that was previously unknown
to me as a dancer: the moment when the eyes of the audience veer from the
"soloist" (in this case the four screens) and begin to examine other
aspects of the performance. In traditional
theatres, this change of focus would be targeting other participants of the
performance, scenography, backdrops, etc.
It would be fair to say that there is an element of fear, or ones
personal feeling of lack of success, at the moment when the audiences' eyesight
and focus shift from the soloist on the stage to "side-shows".
This
led me to another personal exploration, while I was subjected to the horror of
being touched by a myriad of feathers: can it be considered a failure not
capture the complete attention of my audience?
Furthermore, what is my purpose on the stage if no one is looking at me?
The
first interview in the videos directly responded to the idea of fear of
feathers. The entire interview was
conducted in a pigeon-house. I felt
emotions of disgust as I filmed the scene and a sense of disbelief that one
person could adorn themselves with feathers without a good reason (in my
mind). The second interview focused on
the multitude of feathered animals and their omnipresence that cannot be
controlled. This idea that their
omnipresence cannot be excluded in anyway horrified me even further.
While
the audience is slowly becoming aware of their space, the live performers begin
to move around the room (changing lines).
Their movement was to be noticed through the sounds of their heels as
they move though space. The sound of
heels was intended to emulate sounds of point shoes; namely, as professional
dancers ready themselves to appear on the stage, they look at their colleagues,
yet more importantly, they hear the tapping of feet. This tapping of feet is a natural queue for
when one is to enter the stage. I wanted
to emulate these sounds of tapping through sounds of high heels in order to
achieve a feeling of anticipation.
As
the performance progresses, I was trapped in the small enclosed space. This enclosed space, filled with feathers,
was intended to accentuate the discomfort of a performer while anticipating
their moment of appearing on the stage.
The
audience, although aware of the changing of the performers' movement, was
slowly becoming more aware of what was to come, as the fumes (essences and
smells of food) permeated our performing space.
This was envisaged to highlight a sense of expectation in the
audience. Almost a childhood expectation
of a meal when one senses the odours leaving a kitchen. It was my idea to liven-up the expectation of
the audience and observe their behaviour as they anticipate something to be
given to them. It turned out that I was
not completely able to follow this in great detail as I was engulfed in
feathers which were constantly perturbed by a hidden fan.
The
third interview in the video presentation, spoken in English, finally “connects
the dots” and summarises the essence of the performance: fear of feathers. It was intentionally filmed in an almost
mocking manner of a TV show (reference fast show), where a man smoking a leisurely
cigar (alluding to a complete control of situation and bursting with self-confidence)
appears not to be able to comprehend someone’s’ fears relating to
feathers. The image of man mocks the
entire affair by wearing feathers that dancers would wear in a traditionally
performed Act II of Swan Lake, in an almost dismissive way if not in an almost
triumphant manner that a hunter would wear the hides of game that was
previously hunted.
This
third, spoken part was a queue for further live movement of the four
performers. The performer had some subtle
gestures, implying fear of a swan in from of a man. Furthermore, the performers moved their arms
to invoke more resemblance to the swans in Act II.
As
the performers move behind a table, I have insisted on a light change where for
the first time music is heard.
Emotionless faces of performers appeared to be sucked under the table. The emotions that this scene invoked were to
be those of involuntary transformation: almost a forceful transformation from a
person to a swan. Once the performers
emerge, they are clearly something that they did not want to become. This invoked an uneasy feeling as it was
clear that they (and they are an embodiment of myself) were made to do
something that they were not comfortable with.
This moment further made me think of the fact that often, if not almost
every time when it comes to Swan Lake, I would have to do something as it was
deemed professional even though it was highly uncomfortable (and even
irritating and horrifying) in the name of my career and profession. This further confused me as I have begun
asking myself the question of “why am I doing this?”, “I have chosen this
profession since I love it, it was not for the money or for the career! If this
is the case, since when has the career and money taken primacy over my personal
feelings?”
As
the performers appear again behind the table with diadems, and smell of food
becomes now clear, there is no way back.
This was my symbolic entering onto the stage and it was “show
time”. Self eating, or the swans eating
poultry, invoked feelings of unscrupulousness in the dance profession whereby a
dancers injury would mean an automatic artistic death. Death in which another dancer would take over
and I would be forgotten.
The
final sequence of the performance is when the light finally shows me, in an
enclosed space amongst feathers. For me,
this is my moment of truth. Yet I could
not perform. I could not hum the tune from
Act II.
Rationally
speaking, it makes little sense why such a little, and to the naked eye simple
task could not be accomplished. I was
present in the space all along. I was
there looking at the audience. I have
spent some considerable time in this space and I tried to raise myself in point
shoes. This was a painful experience yet
I have paid no attention to this occurrence as my focus was on the idea that it
would all be over very soon and that all I need to do is “grin and bear
it”. As I approached the microphone, I
wanted to hum a tune. However,
emotionally, this moment was so overpowering for me that I was frozen. The entire presentation was in fact about
preparation. The ushers prepared us (for
the presentation), the choreographed videos prepared us (telling us it was
about fear of feathers), and the four performers unwillingly (and perhaps unwittingly)
dragged onto the stage prepared me for my appearance. Finally I appeared.
The
presentation ends with the performers taking their original positions by the
wall, indicating that my ‘solo act” was over.
The presentation was over.
After
writing this text, besides having grasped a small glimpse into the answers of
the originally posed questions, I have arrived perhaps to an even more
important question: Am I afraid of feathers or do I suffer from stage
fright?
This
question is a valid one as my first personal solo act was the “Court jester” in
Swan Lake. This was my “big debut”. At this moment I can only trace my fear of
feathers back to that moment and I can say that I was afraid to some degree of feathered
animals since my earliest childhood. So
was this only “mild discomfort” turned into a fully fledged phobia because of
my work?
The theoretical idea was to use a reworking of a traditional
piece. The act of reworking would serve
as a vehicle for self analysis. Having
said this, the vehicle itself needs a theoretical identification and
underpinning. This “new piece”
(reworked, reconstructed or recreated) needs identification (Tomas, 2004). Has this Act II been reworked, reconstructed
or recreated?
“Dance
researchers often use the terms reconstruction, revival and re-creation
interchangeably, although some have sought to make a clear distinction between
them. For Selma Jean Cohen (1993), for
example, a revival is carried out by the choreographer him/himself. A reconstruction is made by someone else who
researches the ‘work’. A re-creation is
concerned to capture the ‘spirit of the work’.
Ann Hutchinson Guest (2000: 65), on the other hand, uses the term revival
to refer to a work that has been brought to life by someone using a notated
music score ‘a musician bringing a music composition to life from a notated
music score’...A reconstruction, according to Hutchinson Guest (2000), involves
‘constructing a work anew’ from a wide range of ‘sources, and information, with
the intention of getting as close to the original as possible...A recreation
for is based on an idea or a story...which has been lost in the mists of
time...may involve the original music or idea.” (Thomas, 2004: pp
34-35)
As this piece has clearly not been lost,
reconstruction is unnecessary. As I have
revisited the piece and gave it new meaning, it is fair to say that this is a
reworking (as defined by Midgelow, 2007).
Bearing
in mind that the reworking of Act II was to serve as a vehicle for the
examination of my phobia, I
have not focused onto the actual plot of the live performance but on the
emotions that each part of the act evoked in me. Only then were these emotions demonstrated in
a new choice of movement, light, smell, costume, makeup, videos, and timing.
I have decided to analyse my case by a method of controlled
"flooding" of senses used and successfully tested by Abramović
(Sundel and Stone-Sundel, 2004). Emotional
flooding
was used both during experimentation phases as well as in the final
presentation.
It turned out not to be a flooding of senses with
feathers only but with the sense of “anticipation and continual preparation.”
Having
analysed my work, it turned out that my pteronophobia could have been a case of
symptom substitution.
The
first question proposed was: “What is the nature of my phobia?” In light of the discussion about my emotions
raised during the research and the actual performance, I feel that answering
this question should not be done at the beginning, but rather at the end.
This
question was followed by: “What senses are engaged in identifying a perceived threat
that turns into a phobia?” During the
live performance stimuli of sight, sound, touch, and smell were purposefully
employed. Having analysed each one of
them piece by piece, the following can be concluded: sound is perhaps the most “ominous” as it
allows a person to conjure images in their mind while invariably allowing the
“worst case scenario” for the individual to imagine. Sight offers an “inevitability” clause to the
phobia when the person no longer needs to imagine what is about to happen but
is then fully aware of the “dangers” presence.
The sense of touch in its own right, and without the minds “assistance”
of conjuring images of what is being touched, serves a secondary function as
the act of touching a feather does not cause physical harm and thus a body will
not automatically (instinctively) shy away from feathers. The sense of smell, to me, appears to be only
a reinforcing sense. Like sound, it only
allows mental images to be created and thus bears resemblance to the sense of
hearing. Therefore I can conclude that,
in my case, the answer to the question of “which senses in particular are
‘irritated’ and cause a phobia and which senses remain unaffected and why?”
cannot be answered properly as it not a clear cut case that some senses are
“switched on or off” but rather serve as “initiatory or supportive”. In this case, sight and hearing are the instigator
senses while touch and smell are secondary.
The
question “Is the fear itself of a physical or psychological nature?” has a
clear answer, in my case, that the fear induced is a of a psychological nature,
however, it may reasonably be assumed that the fear of feathers is in fact a
substitute fear of something else, more deep-seated and hidden, which the first-last
question will demonstrate.
The
question that asks “what is the nature of personal perception of physical
pain?” in my case refers to another issue: it is not a question of physical
pain but that of a self defence mechanism so that the pain does not occur. My pteronophobia allows me to distance myself
from something that may potentially cause harm (naturally only I perceive this
as a physical threat). Thus the nature
of a persons’ perception of pain is little more than ones self-defence
mechanism of self preservation.
The
relationship and nature of the tension between the desire to face one’s fear on
one side and the desire to turn away on the other in my case seems to lie in a
simple fact that this “nature and relationship” between two opposing forces is
little more than an elaboration of an imaginary construct. Namely, the phobia is a psychological
construct and state, the need to face it is nothing more than a psychological
construct designed by the mind in order to serve as a “rectifying force” that
restores a “chemical balance” in the brain.
Thus for a mind to believe that these occurrences are normal, it needs
to explain to itself that there must be a connecting factor or a reasonable line
“connecting the two dots”. Problem
being, that even the two dots are in fact a substitute for a completely
different idea. This in fact leads us to
the answer of the last, or first, question:
“What
is the nature of the phobia?”
It
would appear that I suffer from pteronophobia.
An unreasonable, unsubstantiated, and inexplicable fear of feathers and
feather animals. I can trace my
discomfort of feathers back to adolescence.
However, I can trace my clear phobia only to the time when I became a
soloist. I am, to a degree, bothered
when the eyes of an audience veer away from me.
I am extremely nervous before a performance. I feel nervous as I prepare for my stage
appearances. The reworking of Act II has
focused on preparation, anticipation, the inevitability of stage appearance,
even touched on the “unwitting” and perhaps maybe even involuntary “dragging
into the mud – ballet” (when four dancers sink behind the table with background
sounds of almost underwater drowning-like noises). I have subconsciously, yet in the end
purposefully chosen to rework my phobia by reworking Swan Lake, even though I
also played the role of Firebird in the same named classical piece.
I
would need to conclude that the nature of my phobia is in fact a reinforcing or
substitute phobia of stage fright. A
fear of not being successful as a classical dancer on the stage. Perhaps a simple discomfort of childhood grew
into a fully fledged phobia to serve as a surrogate for something else that I
needed to hide (or at least persuade myself as a normal occurrence that
everyone experiences). And for my mind
it was convenient to both substitute and “hide under the carpet” than to deal
with it.
My
main concern is that if my pteronophobia is a substitute phobia and I may have
a fear of public performing, then what is at the root of my stage fright? If I suffer from stage fright, is this fear
seated in the possibility of temporary failure (that I may not perform to the
best of my ability), or is it seated in my personal need to be interesting and
“capture the audience” (a type of attention deficiency syndrome). Having said this, this piece of academic
work has clearly defined boundaries and thus the aforementioned may be a
subject of further investigations as it is beyond the scope of this work.
1.
My
better understanding of how to choreograph videos and combine video
choreography with live performance
2.
My
better understanding of the nature of my pteronophobia
3.
A
live performance enabling others to partake in my research allowing the
audience to perhaps revaluate their own attitudes towards their phobias
With respect to the first outcome,
it is clear that video choreography enables the choreographer to control more
what the audience sees and can transport a choreographer’s message more
precisely as there is no “loss in translation” like in a live performance. Using a static camera without movement (just
changing angle) enables the choreographer to show the same movement from a
different angle. This being transposed
to understanding of movement, the same piece (issue or perhaps phobia) can be
reworked and revaluated.
With respect to the second outcome,
it is clear that the nature of my phobia may be a reinforcement and
substitution of a different phenomenon born out my own denial that a
professional classical ballet dancer may actually suffer from a case of stage
fright.
The live performance allowed the
performers to be able to revaluate their own potential phobias by thinking
about them as they were experimenting in the studio with me. Furthermore, the proximity of the audience to
the performers, allowed the audience to partake in the performance (including
the sense of smell) and thus perhaps allowing them to at least partially be
able to understand what stimuli are irritating to me (if not to empathise).
Conclusion
This
thesis has documented an attempt to gain answers to questions relating to the
nature of a personal phobia (pteronophobia).
It attempted to address the senses involved in its triggering and
propagation, it tried to reasonably identify the forces of personal attraction
and disgust with respect to feathers.
This was done by reworking the Act II f Swan Lake.
Instead
of getting clear cut answers, it transpired that this phobia only served to
mask another fear, more precisely stage fright.
A fear of not being successful as a classical dancer on the stage. Perhaps a simple discomfort of childhood grew
into a fully fledged phobia to serve as a surrogate for something else that I
felt was even a shameful thing that a professional performer should not even
think about, let alone elaborate on and give into.
The
forces that were to be examined within the phobia turned out to be merely
psychological constructs of the mind that wanted to have a rational explanation
- which was a mistake to begin with: there is seldom a rational explanation for
an irrational state of mind.
I
have exposed myself to pain and pressure, and in the process discovered that
choreography need not only be applied onto movement: but can be applied in
therapeutic methods in which sounds, smells, lights, and audience positioning
and proximity can be choreographed as well.
Future research could be geared towards my case of
stage fright: however, it may prove more difficult to address with the senses
flooding technique. I regularly expose
myself to this occurrence (appearing on stage) and thus it may render this
exercise worthless. Analysis of a phobia
by reworking may be a successful method once, but the question remains: can it
be a suitable method in a repeated experiment of self analysis and perhaps self
healing.
Furthermore, I have employed smells as a part of choreography
for the first time; it may be interesting to rely more heavily on this tool in
future choreographies.
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Tokom godine proveo sam dovoljan broj sati po različitim avio kompanijama, da bih mogao da konkurišem i sam za skok sa ivice svemira. Kada smo već kod pomenutog skoka iz svemira taj događaj je na mene ostavio jednu poetsku imaginaciju Feliks Baumgartnerovog podviga. Zamislite skočiti sa ivice oblaka, proleteti duž prelepog horizonta i ostati živ. Da ne idem dalje ili šire u poeziju.
